From self-aware to self-worn-out

From Self-Aware to Self-Worn-Out

A (relatively minor) situation this week led to my over-analysis of my over-analysis of my reaction to it. Let me explain 😂

The situation: someone cancels plans last minute 

My 'chimp' brain, affectionately named Sandra: "Why would you get excited about plans when people ALWAYS cancel them and you NEVER get to enjoy the thing you're excited for?!" 

My logical brain, affectionately named Sophie: "Chill, Sandra, it's fine. Why are you like this?" 

Cue Sophie spending the next few hours in a grump because she can't work out why Sandra reacted like this. She knows it was something to do with SOME plans having been previously cancelled (a very small percentage in the grand scheme of things). 

Cue Sophie wondering why Sophie is so obsessed with trying to figure this out, rather than just feeling the annoyance and then letting it go. 

A period of reflection helped me establish that, whilst Sandra is a pain in the neck, she is also just trying to protect me. Tough love, I guess. So I think I'll dedicate my next phase of the healing journey to befriending Sandra some more, and gently showing her that the world is not actually horrible, just because a plan was cancelled. Perhaps, then, Sandra may show some understanding and become more tolerant and accepting of the fact that we cannot alter other people and their behaviour, but we can control how we react to it, and how we allow it to affect us. 

A timeline of my healing journey thus far: 

Generational trauma --> needs not met --> feel like a burden --> people pleasing --> lack of self-worth --> people fixing --> sadness --> trauma --> inner work --> identifying wounds --> living with wounds --> gaining knowledge about wounds --> taking action to begin healing wounds --> ending several relationships --> forming new, meaningful connections --> new relationships triggering old wounds --> over analysis of triggers --> burn out from trying to heal self and understand every reaction to every situation —> acceptance and peace (hopefully)

Here's to noticing rather than fixing 🫶🏼

Sophie x